HATE THY NEIGHBOR

All I have to do is to sit on my screened in porch and look 16" to my right to the chainlink fence to be reminded of why I hate my neighbor. The fence is legendary and I won't get into the many years of acrimony that brought about its construction. I want to talk about neighbors and how I hate them.

I don't hate Spics, or Niggers, or Chinks, or Kykes, or Homos, or even Iraqis and North Koreans. But I do hate my neighbors. I hate 'em in Glen Wild and I hate 'em in White Sulfer Springs. In Glen Wild they are mindless knucklehead Sicilians from Queens who ride their ATVs in the middle of the night and put up fences for spite. In White Sulfer Springs its a rich local whose property surrounds me. Yellow caution ribbons and spray painted NO TRESPASSSING are his weapons of choice. As for me I dig ditches, move rock and jack houses. I save these old fucking hillbilly shacks and historical churches, on postage stamp lots, from certain death.....by the sweat of my fucking brow. And what is my reward? A neighbor in Glen Wild told me years ago- "You know you won't be rewarded for this in this lifetime." Amen.

But before I get too depressed let me just say I love my neighbors as well. I have Carlito and GN John, and Kara, and Larry and Brigitte, Paul, Julie, Jessica, and baby ?, and Al, and Slick, and Junie, and Milawyer and H, and Willie and a shitload of other good ones. Problem is the ones that border me are assholes. And maybe that's a good thing. They keep me on my toes. Like my old friend the late Ray Gilkey once said to a neighbor who was encroaching. Ray slapped his .45 hanging on his belt and said, "You want a range war? I'll give you a range war!" Who knows. I may move next to you someday. If there's a wreck of a house out your window give me a call. I'm sure we'll get along.