GAUDI

CHURCH OUTHOUSE DEMO

Demo by Bird

JIMMY WHO?

Once a year The Brothers gather at Junie Bogart's place at Paradise Pond after a long day on the links. I don't golf and neither does Bird, so we join the party as the sun dips into the calm water. The Brothers are a loosely knit group that dates back to our high school days in the mid sixties. 40 years of stories are tossed around in between knife throws and beers. Milawyer is there, as is his West Virginia ex law partner Kazerino. We are all pretty good liars, but most of the stories don't even have to be embellished. There was the time the boat got stolen and 14 people packed in it for a 70 mph ride down the ski slope. Then there was the day Les More and Unki Harold trucked a pig to the slaughter house and the pig fell out of the truck. By the time they got the busted up porker to the butcher he wouldn't even cut it up. There wasn't one piece of unbruised bacon left on the poor beast. And who can forget the time Crowbar got bit by a black snake and fell into the white water gorge and lost all his clothes.......Wait a minute. I never heard this one before.
I look up from my drink and immediately know why this tale sounds unfamiliar. The raspy giggle of the narrator belongs to none other than Jimmy Who? JW and I worked our first job together as roofers and in the many years since he has never falled to put a smile on my face. Like I say, we are all pretty good liars but Jimmy Who? stands head and shoulders above all Brothers in spinning a yarn. But back to the snake.
"We were canoeing down the Neversink gorge and Crowbar was walking along one of those narrow ledges where the river's only six feet wide and solid white water. O'Reilly was behind him when all of a sudden a monster black snake that had been sunning on one of those rocks bit Crowbar in the neck. He fell in the rapids with the snake attached to his neck. O'Reilly just stood there dumbfounded. Les More and I were down stream. We had split the canoe on a rock earlier in the day and lost all our food and beer. Then we see Crowbar, buck naked flapping his arms and screaming with a fucking snake attached to his neck......" At this point Jimmy Who? starts to giggle and snort drawing everyone in the room into the tale. "By the time we got Crowbar out he was almost dead. But you know Crowbar, he was always so stoned it was hard to tell. Then we broke in a hunting camp down river. There was two refridgerators. One was filled with food and the other was packed with beer. We drank all but the last line of beer and moved it to the front of the fridge, so it looked like it wasn't touched. Crowbar found some clothes and we hiked out. Come on. Let's throw some knives." I can't wait 'til next year.

PARIS INVITE

DAY 2

GNJOHN'S TIMBERS

LESLEY SPRINGS

Any fan of the 80's NYC rock band Purple Geezus will remember the song- 57105. It was inspired by my prison pen pal LS who was 5'7" 105 lbs. After pouring my heart out to Lesley's response to my personal's ad, I realized that Lesley was not who she said she was. For one thing Florida State Pen. had no women inmates. That's why i wrote the song. I felt violated.
But that was years ago. I'm OK now. What I'm not OK with is the shabby treatment the American public and media is giving Paris Hilton. I don't know how many of my dozen or so readers have ever been in jail but let me tell you it's no picnic. I spent one night in Sevierville, Tenn. jail and it changed my life. You try staying in a locked room, attended to by men with guns and see how you like it. After a very short time it becomes rather annoying. You want to go out for a walk, or watch some tube, or maybe have a cappuchino down at the diner.... Sure you can do your time, but nobody WANTS to. Now take a spoiled "whore" (and I mean that in a good way) like PH and 24 in LA County and she's ready to flip. In the words of the Sheriff "The young lady has some very serious problems." So give her the Low Jack. What's the big deal? But NO! The media wants it's pound of socialite flesh. What if PH was your daughter or niece?
All jokes aside. What the bullshit Hollywood justice system is doing to one of its own is criminal. Make it a joke, but Paris is the one in the clink, while you sip on your bellini. I feel for the girl. She's a fucking comic genius on the order of Andy Kaufman mixed with Fatty Arbuckle and Claudet Colbert. Every day for the past week I've been sending letters to her cell. Now she's in lock down, on suicide watch. My advice to all of you is lay off the girl. Don't worry honey Daddy's coming.

WHITE SULFER SPRINGS

County Auction shack

WASHING THE CHURCH

#9818783

I'm watching TV Guide Channel coverage of Paris Hilton's recent incarceration. One reporter is outside the jail giving us minute to minute updates of PH in lock up. "Today Paris had turkey and baloney for lunch." A friend tells us she's stepping up and doing a "Martha Stewart." Dig it. My girl can do her time like the righteous bee-otch she is. All you nay sayers and dickweeds who clapped at the MTV awards can kiss my cracker ass. PH is paying for your sins. How can you turn on her like that? You have created America's favorite psycho -nacissistic spokesmodel and now you want to lock her up 23 hours a day for 23 days? Are you fucking serious? How can you be so catty?
I've let the cats in the house to watch the TV Guide Channel special "Paris in Prison". Lindsay Lohan immediately sprays on the chair and Mussolini screams and climbs up the wall as Madonna Boots paces back and forth in front of the TV. This may be a mistake. Paris Hitler and Nicole are now the most civilized, well behaved cats in the room. Lights on- 6am. Breakfast- 7am. Pepper steak tonight for dinner. Paris' mug shot is "hot". In the cell: read, write and arts and crafts. Shower? TV time- one hour. The cats are transfixed.
The asshole pundits seem to think this will be good for Paris. "PH wants to be a role model." they sneer. I try to explain to the cats my obsession with PH and how I think she's misunderstood and sometimes find myself wanting to cuddle her and tell her....Lindsey Lohan bites a chunk out of Nicole and Mussolini takes a crap in the corner. Paris is sitting behind bars and these cats are out of control. I can only stand one hour of TV Guide. OJ's still playing golf. Spring PH! Stop the MADNESS!

DOLLAR BURNING DESK