THE END

Forget war, genocide, famine, drought, global warming, HIV, bird flu, or the odd asteroid it's all going to end in less that four years due to none of the above. And where to i get this information you ask? Why Democracy Now of course. And because of my source i tend to believe it. That's right the end is near. I feel a strange sense of relief hearing this. And what's bringing about this untimely end to life on planet earth? Cell phones. Man, I knew it all along. Those obnoxious, obtrusive, blinking, and squawking ear appendages are killing us. But it's not how you think. Sure, they may be giving you cancer too, but that's not the half of it. What scientists believe cell phones are doing is confusing the bees. Huh?
According to Dr. Albert Einstein if bees were to vanish, life itself would dry up and die in less than four years. Already up to 70% of the bees on the east coast are missing. Who knows how they measure this stuff but 70% of anything is a lot. Cell phone radiation may be fucking the bees up so much they can't get back to the hive. Lost and confused the bee stops pollenating and in nothing flat propagation ceases. Sterility ensues. Female plants bud but there are no seeds. I know of only one plant where this is considered a plus....and you can't live off it. Not for long. You at least need a beer and a slice of pizza.
What can we do? The answer is obvious. Stomp that cell and start hording honey. Tick-fucking-tock.