MY VAGINOMETER

I bought it on the internet. The seller stated enthusiastically- VAGINOMETER- HARDLY USED. ONCE OWNED BY THE LATE ALISTER COOKE. COMPLETE WITH EASY TO INSTALL INSTRUCTIONS. MONEY BACK GUARANTEE. How could I resist?
I'd heard about these devices for some time. It was said they could tell the temperature (both inside and out), predict the weather with an acute sensitivity to any fluctuaton in vaginometric pressure, and with a little practice one could tap into the fickled ups and downs of Dow Jones, pick win, place and show at the local track and, best of all, the vaginometer could show you who's calling before you even pick up the phone! I hadda have one. I typed in my Visa card number **********293, SS# 112-89-4567, date of birth 08/21/72, mother's maiden name- Jennings, and hit BUY.
Every morning I ran out to the mailbox...only to remember I didn't have a mailbox. Duh! If I had a vaginometer I would have known that. Then, one day after work I spotted a small brown box sitting on the snow bank near my front door. This had to be IT! I carefully unwrapped the package. It was wrapped in bubble wrap and dry ice. I thin wispy cloud lifted as I gently parted the delicate flaps of the box. It was smaller than I thought it would be. Slowly my fingers plunged into the moist, dark cardboard cavity. It kinda looked like a SWATCH with a couple of bright colored wires attached. I was soooooo excited I could barely read the installation instructions. Hum? Where the hell did you attach this thing?

Well, It's been a week since I recieved my Vaginometer. After a lot of trial and error I think I've finally got it figured. There's still a few bugs I haven't ironed out. It does say AC on it which I'm sure stands for Alister Cooke and there was a couple of curly grey hairs in the box....more proof positive. I've tried attaching it to different body parts and I think I've figured that one out. It humms softly, which is not at all unpleasant. The temperature outside is 30 degrees. The temperature inside is 36 degrees. It's supposed to rain tonight, Haliburtin stock is a going to go up. Donald's Daisy will come in 2nd in the 5th @ Belmont. Hold on the phone's ringing....damn that feels good. Sorry....unavailable.